The Monster is My Friend

I am bigger than the monster. Fear, doubt, anxiety are my best friends lurking in the mist, waiting for an opportunity, waiting for an opening, to come in and take over, subsume me, bring me down into the darkness. Some days, I can look them in the face, thank them for their presence and walk away. Other days, I fear their presence, for I am too tired, to warn out to talk to them that day. Other days I welcome them in, and give them food, and let them eat me up. Still other days, I detest their very existence, resent the fact that this is my life, that I must walk with these monsters every day. And alas, that is the most dangerous feeling to have, that is what they feed on most, my resentment for them. They grow in my fear of the darkness, in my loathing of taking the time to address them, in my denial they are a necessary part of life. I am learning to see darkness as a gift, to listen to its lessons, to ask what it is here to teach me. And then take the lessons into the light.

So much about out world tells us that darkness is bad, is to be feared, is to run from. We know how much of that of course is tied to white supremacy and patriarchy and fear of the femininity of darkness. Thus innate to my feminist work of dismantling these larger systems of oppression, I must too learn to appreciate, and love the darkness of my soul, of my spirit, of my very being. I must walk alongside my shadow, hold hands, let it in. Of course, I shall not entertain that space for too long, for the sun will rise to see another day and I must prepare myself for the work to be done in the light. But I must make the darkness my friend, I must make fear, anxiety, doubt my companions among many. I cannot avoid walking through the fire, I cannot avoid facing challenges, looking at my shadow self in the eyes, and offering my deepest compassion, empathy and love. I must love my shadow self, for if I do not, I am denying myself. I must love all of who I am.

I am bigger than the monster. Fear, doubt, and anxiety can be my friends, but that are not me, they are a part of me, but they are not me. I am me, I am courageous, generous, powerful, beautiful, sensual, passionate, intuitive, wise, insightful, strong-willed, strong, articulate, empathetic, and loving. I am bigger than the monster.

Renee LemusComment