One Day I Will Tell You...

One day I will tell you the story about my dads last words to me. About how when he said them, I thought to myself these sound like last words, but I denied it in the moment. About how now when I look back, he knew he was staring death in the face. One day I will tell you what it was like to experience the torture of not knowing whether he would live or die, what it was like to live like that for 10 whole days. One day I will tell you what it was like to watch my dad die, to watch his life slip away with the numbers on a monitor going down to zero. One day I will tell you about the moment, I new there was no saving my dad, and the sudden pain I felt in my heart, how the pain of childbirth could never compare. One day I will tell you what the most sad part of losing my dad was. One day I will tell you about how and why I went into a deep state of denial, about how and why I acted the way I did at his funeral. About how all I wanted was to crawl in a whole with a bottle of tequila and drown myself in my sorrows, but I couldn’t because I was pregnant. One day I will tell you what it was like to see the pain my mother was in, and how there was nothing I could do about it. One day I will tell you what it was like to hear remnants of his voice in my head, to hear phantom noises I thought were him. One day I will tell you about all the dreams I have had about him, and the conversations we’ve had in those dreams. One day I will tell you about the time I felt him in my car, and I reached out to hold his had.

One day when I figure out why, I will tell you why its been so hard for me to imagine myself ever really playing soccer again, without him on the sideline to watch. Why its hard for me to watch my kids play soccer without him there to watch with me.

One day I will tell you about how I have come to realize how much of him lives on in me, about how in his quirky way, he was the one who taught me to be who I am today. One day I will tell you about how my father inspired me to be a feminist, to fight for social justice, to be so invested in my cultural survival.

One day I will tell you about how my dads last words to me, led me on a whole new journey in my life that has led me here to you.

Renee LemusComment